she's been too honest with herself

Sun, 18 May 2008 11:57:05 GMT

I just got back from the hospital. I got eight stitches in my arm and some temazepam. I was there four hours and they wanted to keep me overnight but I convinced them I was okay.
It's just this fucking anxiety and panic which takes me over and I can't think or breathe properly. I don't know how to describe it only it makes it impossible to do anything else or think about anything else.
I am so tired.

PS on a lighter note, I accidentally spilled half a day's worth of urine down the sink. Now I have to go back to Pathology in the morning and start again.

Fri, 16 May 2008 10:01:43 GMT

So I went to Josie's funeral today. It didn't seem real until they handed me the little memorial booklet with a photograph of her on the front. She looks just like she's about to jump right off the page. I could hear her laugh in my head.
I met her husband and children. Her kids are my age. They didn't really get to say goodbye; she died so quickly. They got there in time to turn off the life support.
Josie donated her organs and saved four peoples lives. The person who recieved her kidneys had been waiting eight years. Eight years on dialysis. She would be so happy to know that she saved so many people's lives.
All the staff and counsellors from EDP were there, crying. Anne, my old dietician was there. Andrew came and gave me a lift home.
I thought that going to the funeral would make me believe that she's really gone, but it didn't. I'm still going to walk into the day program next week and expect her to be there with morning tea. Maybe then finally I'll get my head around it, to see her desk without her things on it and meet the new staff member to replace her. Maybe not.

Fri, 16 May 2008 09:52:30 GMT

I got some tests done at pathology this morning. One involves me carrying a giant milk-carton style plastic container of urine around with me for a whole day. Lame. I don't think I'm leaving the house for 24 hours to avoid having to take a 2-litre container of urine around with me in my handbag. Hopefully the doctors can find out what is wrong with my heart so then I can exercise again.

Thu, 15 May 2008 12:56:46 GMT

Josie died on Tuesday. They took her off life support. I found her obituary in the paper this morning. Paul, the Eating Disorder Program team leader, gave me a call to let me know. The funeral is tomorrow afternoon. I cancelled a morning tea so I can go.
It's not going to seem real until I get there.
I still can't believe she's gone.

Wed, 14 May 2008 04:30:39 GMT

Well this is stupid. I went to Dr Mirpuri this morning to get a letter for the gym saying I'm allowed to exercise. He did my blood pressure and heart rate and I failed miserably. I have hypertension! Why the hell would a 20 year old have hypertension and tachycardia? I know for a fact there are a pile of nursing students on my friends list so maybe someone can explain. So now I have to do a pile of tests and I'm not allowed to exercise. I'm going to they gym tonight anyway because I have an appointment with the trainer there at 5:30 and it's too late for me to cancel. If I cancel less than 24 hours before the appointment I have to pay.
Anyway, I was supposed to go to the gym tomorrow morning with Chris but now I can't. I guess it's all got something to do with the crap I've been giving my body, but still, unfair!

Tue, 13 May 2008 13:22:44 GMT

I should be sleeping but I can't.

My case manager/clinician Josie from Eating Disorder Program has become very suddenly sick and isn't expected to live. She collapsed today because of a bleed in her brain and I have been told that she is expected to die. She may have already died. I don't think they gave her long.

I saw her yesterday; she asked me for ideas for a good present to give to her son for his birthday on the weekend. She took me aside during group and said I wasn't looking happy. She asked me how she could help me and I said I didn't want to talk. She called Andrew because she was worried about me. She told me to take care and said she would see me on Friday. She is (was?) working on her thesis. She always laughed with me about uni work and said that I was always ahead of her.

I don't believe in prayer and I don't believe in God but I believe she would like to know that people are thinking of her. And I think she'd like to know that even though I pushed her away yesterday when she was trying to help me, that I really respect her.

So I'm thinking of her tonight. I think it's futile to hope that she survives. And it's the strangest, most unbelieveable thing to imagine that this independent, strong, alive woman who I only spoke to yesterday won't be here anymore.

I've never had anyone close to me die before. I'm crying while I type this. I guess I never comprehended that someone could be here one day and gone the next. It seems cruel that this should happen to someone who left life so unfinished.

I was going to call her today. I had a fight with Kestrel yesterday and Kestrel said that everyone in the program is sick of my attitude. I called Andrew distraught to think that Josie was "sick of my attitude", because I respect her so much. Andrew said that Josie didn't think that of me and she was the person whose opinion I cared about. I was going to call her today just to ask her anyway. I wanted her reassurance that she didn't think that of me. I guess I'll never get that reassurance now.

So Josie, if you're still alive, or even if you're not, I want you to know that I'm thinking of you tonight.

Sun, 11 May 2008 07:46:48 GMT

I'm making hats like crazy. Made this one this morning. It's my first attempt at crocheted cable stitch.

Fri, 09 May 2008 10:55:46 GMT

I just finished crocheting this scarf and hat for mum for Mother's Day. Only cost me $12 in wool and took me a few hours. I'm hopeless at taking photos that get both the scarf and the hat in, but at least you can see my now-2.5-week-old vertical labret piercing that is almost healed :-D

Thu, 08 May 2008 12:29:01 GMT

I had a personal training assessment at the gym today. As a result I have to get a letter from my doctor saying I'm fit to exercise because my heart rate and my blood pressure are ridiculously unhealthy. Damn heart always lets me down. I fail every single health assessment ever because of my heart. It's even so much better than it was; I remember when my heart rate got up to 240. Today it only got up to 160.
Aside from the heart, my fitness isn't as bad as I'd assumed. Except for my flexibility which I knew would be off the charts bad. I got -23cm in the sit-and-reach test in year 8. Today I got -20cm. Haha it sounds like an improvement but really she couldn't even measure because it was so bad and the chart only goes down to -20cm. I think she said average is +2cm.
She said my belly is because I'm not holding my stomach muscles right :-S I don't like people making reference to my belly. But supposedly I have good muscle tone in my legs. Who knows where she's getting this from.
I got my third gardasil yesterday and it's made me feel quite flu-ey. My arm still hurts and it's been 36 hours. I didn't have a problem with the first two.
Thank God I got my deptran prescription filled so soon I won't feel the need to cry at everything. This will be good.
Seeing Dr Foce, my new psych, tomorrow. I like her way better than Dr Fridgant. Screw you, Doctor Fuck!
Oh, btw, on Monday a funny/embarrasing thing happened. Myself and the three others at EDP plus two of the staff were going out for our 'lunch challenge' at a cafe in Woden. The lady serving us said to me "oh! I saw you on Stateline! These must be the eating disorder people then."
I wanted to hit my head on the table. So sensitive. I felt like saying "yes, look, and we're eating! Maybe you should take some photos!"

Goodnight

Tue, 06 May 2008 10:56:18 GMT

I got my essays in thank god. I skipped one lecture and one tutorial today because I am lazy and ran out of medication three days ago. Consequently everything is that little bit harder and small things like the ATM running out of $20 notes are reason enough to cry. The people in the line behind me must have thought I was a nut-case. This is probably justified.
I had a nasty incident with a pear and a sharp knife and now I'm having trouble typing because of my poor bandaided finger. It keeps trying to caps lock unnecessary words. No, finger, no! Bandaided is not a proper noun!
Tuesday nights are awesome because of Australia's Next Top Model and also Ladette to Lady. Yay!

Sun, 04 May 2008 12:12:29 GMT

Hey I have a ravelry account now so I can revel in my crocheting nerdiness. I only put a few of my bajillion projects up but it's a start. See the bag I just made! It's lined and everything. Here are my projects for those of you who have ravelry:

http://www.ravelry.com/projects/edibleincredible

Sun, 04 May 2008 07:07:39 GMT

I just got through an incredibly difficult night and I am proud of myself. I got to the point where I had the razor, and the bandage, and the box of tissues. Then I realised that I didn't have to do it. I could put it away, and go to sleep, and I would wake up, and I would be okay. So I did. It's kind of a revelation.

Fri, 02 May 2008 13:47:28 GMT

So I saw my BMI today, written down on a sheet at EDP. 20.4 with clothes, which means I'm probably between 55 and 56 kilograms on my own scales (which I no longer own). I guess I'm ok with this. The deal I have with Andrew and Dr Mirpuri is I don't go under 54.5kg. Andrew is going to start weighing me next week, blind. I don't want anyone to weigh me.
I'm so tired and feel quite miserable. I can't even begin to write about what's been going on but it's been hard. I've used up nearly all of my energy.
I wish I could just stop eating right now. It would make everything soft and quiet and fuzzy around the edges. I really want to just slip away.

Im in Ur Computer Killing Ur friends Page

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:25:18 GMT

Friday night I went out with Anna and Mav. We bought a pineapple from the new IGA in Civic and set ourselves pineapple challenges. We had to see how many places we could get the pineapple into and took photos of the results. You would not believe how many people wanted to buy the pineapple off us, touch the pineapple, and get their photo taken with it. Believe it or not we did this whole thing completely sober.

The birth of the pineapple

This is the pineapple inside Mooseheads. Mav got it past the bouncer.

Anna and myself after I got the pineapple into Shooters. See the blood on my lip after Anna accidentally ripped my piercing after I accidentally hi-fived her in the face?

Proof! Out the front of Shooters.

The pineapple takes over the Emo Cushion/Goon Bag! The emos were eyeing us with hostility.

On the escalator outside Sportsgirl

Anna got the pineapple into the Casino! Awesome work.

A group of strange people who wanted their photo taken with the pineapple

I took it into Starbucks but they were too busy to get their photo taken. They apologised.

Pineapple with Mav and the bouncer outside Northbar.

Mav's challenge was to get the pineapple in a photo with someone dressed in Anzac Day gear. She succeeded in O'Malleys. She also took up the challenge of dancing with the pineapple.

Outside King O'Malleys.

Myself with the pineapple at the bus interchange.

There was an altercation with the police at the bus interchange. They were too angry and I was scared to ask to get the pineapple in a photo with them but I got the brawl in the background.

A group of drunk young men who wanted to buy the pineapple off us.

The lovely lady at the St Vinnie's night patrol van.

We got lost trying to find the car park but we did find large life-sized cardboard statues.

I took the pineapple home and he is living on the kitchen bench.

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 09:49:12 GMT

I bought a gym membership today! I have an off-peak membership at Fitness First along with three personal training sessions, and it's only costing me $70 to start off and $10 a week.

In really really bad news, my computer died. I'm typing this on Dad's computer because my screen is broken and replacing it will cost $1000. Hopefully I can buy a cheap monitor and turn my laptop into a desktop, but FUCK that sucks.

I've screwed up my meals three days in a row. I've gone over my calories three days in a row, skipped meals, and purged. Only more evidence for me to conclude that it is super fucking important for me to stay at my 1210, or else things turn chaotic. So dear dietician lady, I shall not be increasing my calories to 1500 anytime soon. It would be a disaster.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 03:49:08 GMT

New piercing!

You can see how swollen my lip is here...eerg. Ignore the fact that I seem to be staring off into space somewhere. That's because I'm LOOKING AT GOD! See the light in my eyes...?

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:09:44 GMT

Holy Fuck that piercing was painful. Lucky it looks awesome!
I'm sure it will look even better once the swelling and the crusty blood goes away.

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 06:38:30 GMT

Ooh! I'm getting a vertical labret done tomorrow! Spur of the moment decision - looked at my face on TV and decided I didn't like the side labret anymore, rang up Red Path and made an appointment for tomorrow. I've had my lip pierced for about a year now and I really wasn't expecting to keep it that long. It'll be interesting to see how long I keep the new one. Although I've had eleven piercings I'm still scared :( I know that because it's a lip it'll heal really quickly which is a good thing.
Will post pictures tomorrow!

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 11:40:59 GMT

EEEeeeee! I was just on TV!
Myself and Noelle and Katy just had our interview on Stateline! It was about 12 minutes and my face looks incredibly blotchy on screen, which has lead to the fear that maybe my face is incredibly blotchy in real life also. ANYWAY! The story was really good, I'm very pleased with it. I don't think it over-dramatised eating disorders or anything, which I was afraid of. And I didn't sound like a complete idiot, which I was also afraid of.
So did anyone local see it? If you did, what did you think?

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 08:44:43 GMT

So I did my first TV interview today! It was scary. I had a camera in my face and a giant shiny light and one of those cool furry microphone things. The ABC people were really nice, though, and i think it went really well, despite my suspicion that I rambled on too long.
The petition is also doing well, we're up to about 700-800 signatures which is pretty impressive.
My anxiety is still playing tricks on me. It's difficult to get rid of that...(what do they call it?)...magical thinking? Like because i think that something bad is going to happen, it will. Or that I can think bad things into happening.
I want chocolate.
Everyone wants me to increase my meal plan but I am doing just fine on 1200 calories and am impressed that I have managed to not cut it down. I know it's not enough and they want me to get at least to 1700 but that would be scary and I have visions of expanding like a balloon. I like my stomach being flatter, and fitting into those jeans I haven't worn in ages. I don't like restricting myself in what i can eat, and having to count calories all day, and stressing if I go over. It's a tough call.

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:47:41 GMT

So it turns out that instead of dying of breast cancer I just have fibroadenomas - benign tumours in my breast. I knew there was something wrong!
At least it's nothing bad, but it gave me a scare.

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 07:32:36 GMT

Fuck! I just found this photo of me in the depths of my photobucket. Stateline want us to bring in photos of ourselves for the interview tomorrow, and I'm trying to find some nice, happy photos and I come across this. I don't remember being this skinny, but to tell you the truth I don't remember much about that time at all.

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 12:35:25 GMT

This anxiety is really making everything hard.

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 11:39:06 GMT

Hey I'm gonna be on TV! Me, Noelle, Katy; we're going on Stateline this week to talk about our eating disorder awareness work. So far we've had six newspaper articles, three radio interviews and this will be our first time on TV. How exciting/scary!
I am still having anxiety like whoa. Andrew says that if I'm still feeling like this by Friday I'll see Dr Foce and talk about a medication change/alteration.
I just keep thinking of a million things to stress about, none of which are worth worrying over but all of which I am getting so worried about that I can't stop shaking.
When we were at uni of canberra on Thursday I dropped in to see Lisa, as in my old therapist Lisa. Those of you who've been reading for a while will remember how distraught I was when she left after three years of therapy to lecture at UC. Unfortunately she was out that day so I left her a note, and when I got home she'd emailed me apologising for missing me and telling me to drop in again next time I'm around.
So far we have at least 500 signatures on our petition. We were aiming for 1000 in 30 days but we're going to get way more than that now. Go us!
Am going to go take copious amounts of seroquel now in order to stop the shakes and the flushes and the general insanity of my nervous system.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 11:04:09 GMT

Hey Hey it's the Hannah, Noelle and Katy show!
...or something.

Today we had our launch for our Youth Week project at the Legislative Assembly. We made a scale snake!

This is us: Noelle, Me and Katy with our scale snake

Then we harrassed people to sign our petition and got sunburnt.

I got harrassed by some drunk guys at the taxi stand.

I am having all kinds of anxiety.